Last day of treatment here in Mexico today. I can’t wait to get home to my boys. It hasn’t been easy here – maybe at times it’s looked so, as it is certainly a beautiful environment to heal – but it’s been an emotional and very difficult roller coaster on so many levels and many days I have wanted to give up. Say “fuck it” and throw it all away. But then, I take a deep breath re-evaluate everything and realise how stupid that is. Positivity is key and I know I can do this.
I will NEVER let my original conversation I had with my first Oncologist stand in the way of my survival. If I listened to him, I would be dead this December. He gave me 3 years. Yep. 3 fucking years. Done. Finished. Terminada. But that’s the statistics and I chose not to believe in those, I believe in hope and a positive mind.
I’m now 2.5yrs in and although I physically feel great and may look healthy. My scans, on the other hand show me a completely different picture. A sad truth lurking behind the positive face. A huge inoperable brain tumour threatens to take my life at any moment it chooses and take me away from my two little boys and that hurts me to my core. I cannot and will not let this happen.
The past few weeks, have been a real wake up call. How much I do really need to fight for my life. No one else but I can do this. Being amongst a variety of different cancer fighters here at the clinic has been a eye opening experience. Some battling multiple metastasises, and are so very unwell, but all put on a very brave face everyday. We share stories of hope, additional treatments we’ve had/tried which has failed us, how we got to find out about Hope4Cancer, where to get certain treatments completed at home, but the most common topic really is family, and how much everyone misses their own and it’s always the reason they are here fighting – just like me. They’re not willing to take “no” for an answer. They’re not going to endure another round of chemotherapy or radiation or that next “trial drug”. They (and I) want to begin healing NOW free of all that toxicity we’ve previously endured. I know I’m in the right place. It’s not going to happen straight away, anything takes its time but I do believe I’m on the right track to put Terry onto that next train to “Seeyalater-ville”…
The last week here of my treatment has been pretty rough if I’m honest. My body as it seems has had enough for now. All the natural therapies and the intense boost to my immune system has caused my body a little shock as it begins the healing process by detoxifying. It’s seen reactions to a Vitamin C IV that induced fever like symptoms which caused me to have severe shakes for over 2hrs – thankfully finally brought under control with warmth & acupuncture – swollen arms and veins due to not wanting to be prodded anymore, one infected vein with a very very sore arm, a doctor visit at midnight at the hotel to prescribe medication, cannula after cannula with one failed attempt after another. They (my veins) have given up. Tears streaming down my face, I entered the oxygen chamber last week and cried my way through it, I cried for me because I’ve had enough. I cried because I don’t want brain cancer. I cried because I don’t want to be in Mexico away from my family doing this. I cried because I want to live. I cried because I want to be healthy. I cried because I was missing my family. I cried because I was tired from being up late finishing off nightly treatments to aid my recovery but are making me exhausted. I cried because I had negative thoughts “it would be easier not to do this”… and yes that’s true. It would be easier. But that would mean not living and I have too much to live for.
Today I had 5 agonisingly painful attempts before a successful cannulation. I’m covered in yellow & purple bruises all over my arms. I really can’t take anymore. Thankfully that’s it and after today I’m cannula free for a little while.
But when I come home, it’s not like I’m magically cured and I can go back to a normal lifestyle and regular diet. I have a very strict and regimented 90day protocol to follow when I first return, which basically has treatments from sunrise to sunset and beyond. Supplements, immunotherapy shots, coffee enemas, heat therapies, exercise programs, nutrition programs, learning a whole new way of eating and cooking, making the switch to all organic foods, removing ALL toxins out of our environment and household. It’s going to be challenging and a very expensive new way of life. Doing all this whilst still being mum to our two adorable little boys, who think mummy has just been on “holiday” and multiple “holidays” into the future as I take trips back here for potential further treatment & checkups. They wouldn’t and couldn’t understand now why I’m doing what I’m doing. But trust me, one day they will and know it’s all for them. Mummy loves you dearly Hux & Reevie and I’ll do anything to stay with you both. Even if it did mean more cannulas!
So from Mexico with love, I can’t wait to see everyone soon. Thank you to you all for supporting me. I’ve still got some pretty big hills to climb but I know I’ll get there with your love and support.
To my wonderful Doctor, Dr Mel, the beautiful nurses and Gustavo and his kitchen team and to everyone that works at Hope4Cancer and makes each day as enjoyable as possible – thank you!