ONE YEAR – 24.12.17


This week we visited Santa, I can’t say I love the photo. In fact actually, in truth, I hated it when I first saw it. I hated the way I looked. The boys looked beautiful, and it’s probably not the best shot of Sean either…he agrees here by the way, I’m not just being a mean wife haha. I left with my Santa photo, feeling so disappointed and really quite upset. I badly wanted that perfect family ‘Santa shot’, to create a new happy memory for this Christmas. But I just couldn’t quite grasp that person in the photo was me?! In comparison to the other long blonde haired girl of last year? Even Huxley on the way to visit Santa asked “why aren’t you wearing your long hair mum”? and I replied “oh mummy doesn’t wear that very often now” (thinking he was referring to Gwen) and in his response… ”but you wore it last year”? Oh bless him, he just has no idea. Such cute and innocent comments. To him, I did wear my long hair last year, but what he doesn’t realise it was just my own – not Gwen.

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After the photo was printed and I’d paid my inflated $25 for two photos I left, feeling pretty shit. I know it’s not about how you look (and you’ll be thinking that’s stupid, as I think now too) but I just couldn’t shake it. I went to my room and cried. I know it sounds crazy. But this time of year is making me become overwhelmingly emotional at times. It is hard enough when I recall what’s happened in this past year let alone now, having this photo and the realisation of that person in the photo isn’t who I feel I am. I forget I have cancer. Sean convinced me it’s ok, “it’s just not a great photo, we all have them sometimes, but you do look great Don” and yes I knew that it was just a bad one but still I felt shit. I think it’s not just the photo but Christmas in general. Anxiety running high.

He said don’t worry about it, and if I really didn’t like it, just go the next day and have another just with the boys (as he would be at work). So I decided I’d try again the next day. So off we ventured on Friday morning, arriving at Santa only a mere, 2hrs before he arrived. Massive fail. It was hell on earth trying to entertain the boys in a small shopping centre while we waited for Santa. Thankfully I had Mums help. Once he finally did arrive, I had tried to make sure I looked ok to get an improved photo from yesterday, the boys started to loose it after our long wait at the shops and were very hesitant to go anywhere near Santa. Ahhhhh!! After a minute or two I got them in there paid another $25 and got another, terrible photo. I was so angry at myself, one – for making the boys wait at the shops for 2hrs as I didn’t like the photo of myself and two – how ridiculous I was being, it really isn’t even that bad.

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We left the shopping centre, I felt so stressed and upset at what I’d just done. It was stupid and as my beautiful mum reminded me, “Donna, at least you’re in the Christmas photo!” and yes this is so true. I’m still here. It doesn’t matter what you look like, you are there, you’re a family and to your kids, you are their world. They don’t care what you look like. They love you the same. And stop being so hard on yourself its just a photo! I must take my own advice & Mums – thanks Mum x.

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Today marks 12mths since my seizure & discovery of Terry that undoubtedly has changed my life, thankfully I’m still here and looking forward to rewriting Christmas this year and not spending it in hospital and more than anything getting to watch the delight on my beautiful boys faces as they open Santa presents in the morning. Something last year I missed laying on a hospital bed in the emergency department in the drugged up world of the unknown, missing my little boys like crazy. But hey, that’s the past, this is the present. Time to move on and start fresh in 2018.

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Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas, whatever it is you’re doing with your nearest and dearest tomorrow. Here’s to a bigger, better & brighter 2018.

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Love

Donna xx

4 thoughts on “ONE YEAR – 24.12.17

  1. Merry Christmas beautiful Don and fam! We skipped official Santa ones this year, decided the most important ones are taken at home celebrating with good food, wine and company plus watching all the wrapping paper flying round xox

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